The Mystery At Marni Manor Series
by Kenneth Hand
Summary: My only series which parodies Clue/Cluedo. I dare you to try to solve these.
1. Chapter 1

Clue: The Mystery At Marni Manor

Written By Kenneth Hand

November 11, 2000

Here's part one of the Clue at Marni Manor saga. The characters are based on my friends, but you can still read the story and determine who killed whom.

Just to let you know, the character descriptions are as follows:  
Ms. Scarlet (Kendra) is a slut;  
Mrs. Peacock (Daina) is a proper old lady;  
Mrs. White (Ann) is the French maid;  
Mr. Green (Ken) is the business person;  
Col. Mustard (Yoru/Ashley) is the military man;  
Prof. Plum (Nick) is an absent-minded professor;  
Mr. Boddy (Marni) is the one everyone's trying to kill.

On to the story!

To My Wonderful Guests:

You are cordially invited to a weekend at Marni Manor (my house, evil laugh) of watching Pokemon and killing each other. Yay.

Please come on Friday, ASAP.

Sincerely, Marni Boddy.

[At Marni Manor]

Ann White (the maid) was looking at her clothes, and couldn't stop laughing. She wore a little maid's cap, a French maid's dress, and clutched a feather duster in her right hand, which she kept swinging around since she was laughing so hard. Mrs. White sat on the couch, swinging her legs, really very hysterical.

Marni Boddy walked in, in her suit and tie, and demanded, "Ew! Why do _I_ have to be the man?"

Ann laughed even harder at this, and pointed at Marni with the feather duster. Marni grabbed the duster and bopped Ann lightly on the shoulder with it.

"How could that not have hurt? It was my best shot!" Marni squealed.

Suddenly, a horrific bonging rang through the mansion, that made Marni fall to the floor, which caused Ann to start laughing all over again, and fall with Marni to the floor. Marni gave Ann another bop with the feather duster.

"Remember, Ann, you're the maid, so get the door!" Marni sneered.

Ann gave Marni a dirty look and bashed her with the Lead Pipe. "Don't have a heart failure! I'm coming, I'm coming!"

Marni rubbed her head. "Ouch, now there's a bump in my already ugly hair!"

However, Ann White had already left the room to answer the door. She left the Lounge, beelined into the Hall, and threw open the door.

This sight caused her to fall to the floor in more hysterics.

There stood Daina Peacock, in an old lady's blue dress and an enormous Peacock-feathered 19th-  
century hat. She threw the letter down at Ann. "Am I at the right address to watch Pokemon and kill Marni?" she asked, and fixed her hat.

Ann, still laughing, nodded, but couldn't seem to get up, so Daina walked right over her and into the Study.

"What the hell am I supposed to do here?" she asked.

[Someone offstage tells her just to wait there.]

Suddenly, the donging started again, Ann fell back to the floor in laughter, Daina grabbed a chair so she wouldn't collapse, and Marni toppled and smacked her head on the counter (she had gone to the Kitchen for a snack).

"It's the doorbell!" Ann cried.

She opened the door again, even though nobody had closed the door before, revealing Nick Plum, the absent-minded professor.

"What the fuck am I doing here?" he asked.

[Someone pushes him in. Ann screams.]

"Oh, Ann!" he began, really stressing the Ann part, after seeing her in the French maid's outfit. "Aren't you the sexy one?"

Ann screamed again and conked him on the head with the Lead Pipe, as she had Marni. Nick toppled to the floor.

"Oh, no, I killed you!" Ann told Nick's dead body as she dragged it into the empty broom closet.  
Then she started laughing again, since the donging had started once more.

The door opened, and Kendra Kinkade stood there, in a scarlet dress and purple boa, holding a perfectly gay pink purse out in front of her. "I'm here to kill Marni!" she announced.

Ann, however, was on the floor laughing, so Kendra waltzed in over her face, and took a seat in the Ball Room.

The donging started again, and after Kendra finished shaking from the vibration of the doorbell, she screamed, "What the FUCK is WRONG with you people? Can't you get a FUCKING NORMAL DOORBELL?"

But Ann didn't hear any of it, since she was still in the Hall. Daina had left the Study via the secret passage, and was now in the Kitchen, stealing the Knife Marni had left behind. However,  
she kept having to fix the enormous hat, since it kept falling over her face. Meanwhile, Marni was waltzing about in the Conservatory, cackling about how evil she thought she was.

Once more, the door opened, and there were the last two guests: Ken Green in a lovely green suit, and Yoru Mustard, in a yellow suit.

"Good day," Ann chimed, and threw herself down on the floor once more, realizing what she had just said. Ken sweatdropped.

"Wow, look at me, I'm a man," Yoru said to himself.

They came in, walked over the hysterical Ann, and entered the Conservatory, where Marni was.

Just then, Daina, Kendra, and Ann ran in, too.

"What's your rush?" Yoru asked.

Daina shrugged and laughed. "We forgot that we were supposed to come here!"

Marni cleared her voice, then said, "Welcome to Marni Manor. I'm Marni."

Ann gave her a dirty look. "No fucking way!"

Marni continued. "Tonight, we're going to watch Pokemon all night!"

Kendra protested. "In _this_ dress? I look like a model! We could at least have dinner first!"

Marni ignored Kendra and went on. "First, however, we should have a weapon check, since the goal of this evening IS to kill me."

"Oh, no!" Ken said with a fake shocked face, as he stole the Lead Pipe from Ann, "We wouldn't want to hurt our Marni!"

The rest of the guests shared the fake expression, and Marni sighed. "Even so, I _am_ the evilest."

"Like hell you are!" Yoru cried, searching the Conservatory for a weapon, but not finding one.

"I remember I left the Gun in the Ball Room. Was anyone there?"

"No!" Daina called, a little too sharply, and started laughing. Meanwhile, Ann was dusting the Conservatory plants in the background, and noticed the Rope lying on the table.

Ken sighed. "Look, Marni, nobody wants to watch Pokemon. Let's have some low fat salad for dinner!"

Suddenly, the lights went out.

Kendra screamed.

Ann laughed.

Yoru stole the Wrench from Marni.

Marni tried to calm everyone. "Please everyone, my electricity is bad because Ann keeps forgetting to send in the electric bill. Ann, try to find some candles!"

However, Ann started laughing about something, and couldn't hear. Marni, who was rushing frantically around the room, crashed into the wall. Without realizing it was a secret passage,  
Marni was transferred to the Lounge, where she continued to think she was in the Conservatory.

"Hello?"

The pitch black offered no answer.

Meanwhile, Nick had recovered, and had lit the Candlestick in the Hall. He exited the room.

At the same time, in the Conservatory, chaos had broken out. Ann couldn't stop laughing, Yoru was trying to find candles, Kendra screamed about her makeup smearing, and Daina kept crashing into everyone. The unmentioned guest in the Conservatory stole Ann's weapon and exchanged it for their own, then left the Conservatory in the dark, in search for Marni.

Ann suddenly stopped laughing. The only guest left in the Conservatory with a blunt weapon had smacked her with it. Soon, thinking Ann had left the room, Daina tried to search for a weapon in the dark, but only succeded in leaving the Conservatory and unknowingly entering the Library.

Two guests now remained in the Conservatory.

Marni, who was pathetically pretending to cry and look for a way out, still believed she was in the Conservatory: though she had in fact made her way to the Dining Room.

Nick, who offered the only source of light, discovered Daina in the Library. Before he went in the room, he snuffed out the Candlestick, in preparation to bash her with it; though in doing this, he lost HIS light. After hearing the door open, Daina ran over and stabbed him, stole the Candlestick, lit it up again, and went in search of Marni.

Back in the Conservatory, Yoru, who was sick of hearing Kendra scream about her makeup, stole Kendra's weapon, threw her own to the floor, and snuck into the Ball Room, looking for Marni.  
Upon arrival, she stubbed her toe on the piano bench, then ran her crotch into an end table.

"Shit, being a man really sucks!"

The lights suddenly turned on.

Everyone gasped when they realized that (except for two), they were all alone in respective rooms.

The lights went back out.

Nick and Ann regained consciousness, and found themselves together in the Conservatory. They both fainted.

Kendra suddenly went running without a weapon, crying about her makeup, and crashed into another guest in the Hall. This knocked the guest unconscious, which gave Kendra the chance to pick up his weapon.

"Whoops! Sorry, Ken!"

Marni, however, had left the Dining Room, which *cough*Ken was about to search had Kendra not ran into him*cough*, and ran across to the Kitchen, where she followed the secret passage to the Study. She then ran into the first room she had entered after leaving the Conservatory, where she started shaking, as if she had just kissed a woman.

Just then, the only guest with two weapons slammed the door of that room. When Marni heard, she tried to wrestle the guest, but only managed in getting the Knife off of them, and throwing it at the wall.

"Goodbye, Miss Muffet," said the guest, in a tone Marni didn't recognize.

With that, the guest used their other weapon to kill Marni.

WHO KILLED MARNI? WHERE? WITH WHAT? 


	2. Chapter 2

Clue: The Mystery At Marni Manor 2

Written By Kenneth Hand

For more mysteries, please visit the Complete Clue Guide at clueguide dot com.

Here's part two of the Clue at Marni Manor saga. Again, the characters are based on my friends, but you can still read the story and determine who killed whom.

Just to let you know, the character descriptions are as follows:

Ms. Scarlet is a slut;  
Mrs. Peacock (Daina) is a proper old lady;  
Mrs. White (Ann) is the maid;  
Mr. Green (Ken) is the business person;  
Col. Mustard (Yoru/Ashley) is the military man;  
Prof. Plum (Nick) is an absent-minded professor;  
Mr. Boddy (Marni) is the one everyone's trying to kill.

It was a sunny day at the Manor. Marni Boddy, Ann White, and their guests were all outside playing croquet.

"FORE!" Ann cried and swung her mallet like a golf club, smacking the wooden ball through a window of the Conservatory, which had just been fixed from Ann's last game of croquet. Marni shuddered.

"Ann, how many times have I told you this is croquet, NOT GOLF!" Marni boomed,  
and waddled over to give Ann a super-stupid slap on the shoulder. Ann shrieked, wanting to conk Marni on the head with her weapon. The rest of the guests rolled their eyes.

"Too bad you passed out last night before you had the chance to kill Marni," Ken Green whispered to Daina Peacock as Kendra Scarlet took her turn. "Now one of *us*  
will have to do it."

"Shut up!" Daina yelled. Everyone turned around, and she laughed. "I have this stupid arm strap thing now from landing on that big hunk of raw flesh! And the bitch doesn't even remember a thing. I still have a chance. I *will* kill Marni!" She laughed again.

Ken was up next. As he hit his green ball, he noticed Yoru Mustard on the other side of the lawn where his ball was, stealing a weapon from Nick Plum, who stupidly thought Yoru was coming on to him. Ken could see the weapon was blunt, but could not clearly make out whether it was the Wrench, Lead Pipe, or Candlestick.

Marni cackled. "Good shot, Ken! But you'll never be as good as me! Never! Mwahaha."

Ken rolled his eyes at Marni and was about say something, when suddenly his contact popped out. Ann shrieked! "SWEETIE-PIE! Let me help you!"

"No, no, I'm fine," Ken said, half-blind. "I'll just run in the Manor while Yoru and Nick take their turns."

So Ken went in, and while he was in there, Nick winked at Yoru and said, "Hey there, good-lookin. Whatcha doin tonight?"

Yoru blasted his yellow ball through one of the hoops, and considered blasting Nick's balls with the mallet as well. "Not much. You know, killing Marni. The usual."

"Well, if you need some help in killing Marni, I can be the one," Nick said, and flared out his chest. Unfortunately, as he thrust his bust, he also fell forward and knocked his purple ball slightly backward with his mallet. Yoru laughed.

"That was your turn!" Yoru said.

"No! Wait! But..." Nick pouted, snatched up his ball, and marched in the house. Marni tried to run after him, but tripped and fell on the Candlestick she had in her pocket. "Ouch! Darn! Nick! Where are you going?"

He didn't respond.

Meanwhile, Kendra was getting sick of waiting around. So while Ann took her next turn and smashed another window, Kendra slipped the Rope out of Daina's purse and into her own.

Suddenly Marni and Ann began shrieking at one another. Yoru, Kendra, and Daina all threw their mallets to ground and marched inside, since it was getting cloudy out anyway. Marni and Ann kept shrieking, and weren't in until later.

[ LATER THAT AFTERNOON ]

Yoru, Kendra, and Daina were all sitting in the Lounge watching "Mission Impossible 2". Kendra insisted they watch it because she so loved Tom Cruise. Daina had noticed earlier that the Rope was missing from her purse, so as Yoru was putting the tape in the VCR, she stole the weapon Yoru had stolen from Nick.

Meanwhile, a guest (Guest Two) had found another guest (Guest One) in the Study and stole into the room and locked the door.

One whirled around. "What are you doing here? We shouldn't be found alone in the same room."

Two ignored One and advanced. "Have you found a weapon yet? Tonight's the night Marni will die." One nodded.

"I've had a weapon since this morning. What about you?"

Two pulled out the Revolver. "That bitch Yoru stole my other weapon, but when I came in I picked this baby up off the mantle in the Library." He made a fake pose with it, and One frowned.

"Let's not be corny, please," said One.

"No, of course not," said Two, embracing One. "Anything for you."

One pushed Two off. "After tonight Marni will be dead and we'll have the Manor and everything in it. I got the lawyer to alter Marni's will; it took some... convincing, though."

One smiled. "Now I have to run, I'll see you soon. I just remembered I forgot to do something."

[ AN HOUR LATER ]

Ken came in the front door just as Mission Impossible 2 was ending. He walked into the Lounge, where Yoru and Kendra were giggling under a blanket as Daina rolled her eyes. Ken sighed.

"Is this Marni Manor, or the Love Shack?" Ken asked as he came in and sat down next to Daina. Yoru and Kendra sat up and looked at him. "Look, have any of you guys seen Ann or Nick?"

"We haven't left this room since we got in," Kendra said truthfully. "They haven't been in here. Why?"

Ken looked out the window with a puzzled look on his face. "I can't find them anywhere since I came in. And Marni seems to be missing, too. I mean, not that SHE matters, but... what about Nick and Ann?"

"It looks like we'll have to have a search party!" Yoru said and stood up. As soon as he did, Kendra stood up with him. "Let's split up into pairs."

Kendra squealed. "Yoru, I'm going with yooouu!" she purred, and squealed as Yoru tickled her. Daina rolled her eyes.

"Kendra and I will search the Hall, Lounge, Dining Room, and Kitchen," Yoru said. "You guys search the Ball Room, Conservatory, Billiard Room, Library, and Study."

Ken stood up. "Okay, let's all meet back here in half an hour."

They left in pairs.

Little did any of them know that Nick had Marni and Ann tied up in the Ball Room. He had stolen the Wrench from Ann and the Candlestick from Marni. He also had Revolver, and was guarding them with it.

Ann kicked and kicked and tried to shriek through her gag, but in vain. Marni whimpered and shook as though she had just been kissed by a woman.

"Soon you'll all be dead," Nick said. "As soon as my partner gets back."

Marni said something through her gag, but it came out an mmmhhh. Suddenly they all heard giggling in the corridor outside the Ball Room, and realized Kendra was just outside the door. Ann frantically tried to shriek, but it kept getting muffled by the gag around her mouth.

Suddenly the door opened, and Ken appeared. He held the weapon he had stolen from Daina, plus his own.

"Daina's unconscious in the cellar," Ken said. "Yoru and Kendra will never think to look there."

"Sweetheart, whatever will we do with these two?" Nick asked, but just then Yoru was showing off his karate kick to Kendra, and blasted the other Ball Room door open. Ken and Nick whirled around.

"What the fuck's going on here?" Yoru demanded.

"Just a little systematic killing," Ken said.

"Close the door and lock it," said Nick, who had the Revolver pointed at Kendra. Kendra shut it obediently, and Yoru nearly exploded.

"You idiot!" Yoru told her. "We could have run away!"

"We still can!" said Kendra, and tried to open the door, but it was stuck shut. Ken laughed. "Looks like the game's up for you!" He said, and when he realized how stupid that sounded, he rolled his eyes. Unfortunately for him, his contact popped out when he rolled them, and he cried out. Nick turned to him.

"What's the matter, pumpkin?"

Just then Ann managed to struggle free of her gag and nearly deafened everyone with her shriek. "AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYEEEEE!" she called like a banshee. Nick whirled around, and right then the lights went out. Because of the overcast sky, the window offered no source of light.

"Shit!" Nick blurted out.

"Who's on me? Don't you touch me! My eye, my eye!" Ken hollered as he felt a man (not Nick) jump on him and knock him over. The weapon Ken had stolen from Daina fell under the grand piano, and Ken's attacker stole Ken's remaining weapon.

"MMMMMMHHHHHHH!" Marni groaned because she still had the gag on.

Meanwhile, Ann had managed to get up and run around, but accidentally fell into Nick. The Revolver went off but lucky for Ann the bullet struck the ceiling, not her. Ann, Nick, and Kendra all fainted at the sound of the gunshot. The Revolver slid to the other end of the room.

"Get off me!" Ken cried. "*I* want to kill Marni!"

"Forget it!" said the other man. They struggled, and finally one of them managed to knock the other out and steal his weapon back.

The lights came back on, and the guest who remained surveyed the room. Kendra lay unconscious on one side of the room, her bulging purse clutched in hand. The Revolver was on another side, the weapon Ken had stolen from Daina was under the piano, and Nick had two others. Everyone was unconscious except the remaining guest and Marni.

Marni mmmfffed one final time as she was killed.

WHO KILLED MARNI? WHERE? WITH WHAT?  



	3. Chapter 3

Clue: The Mystery At Marni Manor 3

Rainy Day In The Conservatory

Written By Ashley Neilson

May 21, 2001

Yay, here's my shot at writing a Clue fanfic, in a manner of speaking. This is like a continuation of Ken's story, so... don't expect it to be as good;  
sequels never are. Enjoy!

The character descriptions are as follows:  
Ms. Scarlet (Kendra) is a slut;  
Mrs. Peacock (Daina) is a proper old lady;  
Mrs. White (Ann) is the French maid;  
Mr. Green (Ken) is the business person;  
Col. Mustard (Yoru/Ashley) is the military man;  
Prof. Plum (Nick) is an absent-minded professor;  
Mr. Boddy (Marni) is the one everyone's trying to kill.

There we go. Enjoi shimasu!

It was a dull, rainy afternoon at Marni Manor.  
Everyone had been invited there again under the premise that there would be tea, cake and other such goodies, but by the time everyone had arrived Marni had eaten all the cake, Ann had stuffed the tea bags down her shirt and was bashing the owner of the house with a silver platter. So, since it had begun to rain,  
the group decided to sit in the conservatory for a chat.  
"I'm bored!" Marni Boddy moaned, sitting at the left end of an oddly placed plush sofa. She had taken Ann's feather duster and was dusting her ugly glasses with it.  
"Shut up!" Ann cried from her perch at the other end of the couch, throwing a pillow at Marni. She laughed as Marni's glasses were knocked out of her hand. Nick Plum, who was absent-mindedly roaming about the conservatory, picked them up and started dancing around with his new possession. Marni, fumbling around for her lost glasses, accidentally touched Ann's thigh.  
"You whore!" Ann White shrieked, reaching into her shirt and pulling out the Wrench. She promptly smacked the offensive girl on the noggin with her newfound weapon.  
"Rainy days are so very dull." Kendra Scarlet sighed,  
lounging on a plush fainting couch. It too was rather out of place in the Conservatory; in the midst of all the boredom the guests had taken it upon themselves to find amusement in moving select pieces of furniture around the manor.  
"Hm, yes." Ken Green agreed. "Though, I'd rather be here and bored than out in this dreadful rain. I'd ruin my lovely, lovely green suit!"  
"Oh, shut up about your green suit." Yoru Mustard said, arms crossed. Mustard's yellow suit had been replaced with a much nicer navy blue one (with a yellow handkerchief in the breast pocket, keeping with the whole "mustard" theme).

"I have an idea!" Daina Peacock exclaimed, hopping down from a book trolley taken from the library.  
"Let's try to kill Marni again!"  
"Yes, let's!" Ken nodded, stuffing the Rope up his sleeve.  
"I'm up for that." Yoru said, pushing Nick for no apparent reason. "That should pass the time."  
Marni's glasses flew up in the air as Nick fell,  
landing on the couch next to their owner. Marni's chubby fingers found them and put them on, again able to see her would-be murderers.

"Alright, it's settled then." Marni smiled, getting up and running to the door. "We're all going to try to kill me, the most evil on the Manor. Cackle cackle!"  
Yoru glared as she picked up a chair and threw it at Marni's fleeing form. Kendra slowly got up, put down her lollipop and headed out in the direction she figured Marni would go.

The lighting was good, but not great, so some guesswork would have to be done as to where they were all going.

Nick made his way into the library, finding the Leadpipe.  
"Oh goody!" Nick exclaimed, putting it in his pocket.  
"Too bad I can't burn anything with it though. Drat."

"Marni, where are yoooooooooooooou?" Ann called,  
taking the secret passage from the conservatory to the lounge. "MARNI!"  
"Oh no!" Marni cried, seeing Ann jump out from the passageway. She thundered down the hall towards the kitchen, Ann on her tail the whole way.

Meanwhile, Daina was searching the Billiard room for a weapon. 'I'll kill Marni for sure this time!' She thought. She came across the Gun laying under a pink flamingo from the garden outside. 'Excellent.'

Ken had left the Conservatory and wandered to the Study, not seeing Marni. He walked into the kitchen where he found Kendra with the Knife. Sneaking up on her, he used the Rope to strangle her and take the Knife, leaving his weapon on the unconcious woman.

Yoru wandered from the ballroom into the hall, where through pure chance he found the candlestick. He was about to light it to increase visibility when something came thundering towards him. As it went by,  
missing him by no more than an inch, another (shrieking) person came running through.  
"Look out!" Ann cried, smacking into Yoru and knocking both of them over.  
"Get the hell off me, you freak!" Yoru shouted,  
pushing the maid off him.  
"Watch where you're going!" Ann shrieked, smacking Yoru with the Wrench. "I was hot on Marni's trail!"  
"ME watch where I'm going? YOU smacked into ME!" An irate Yoru continued, the Wrench having little effect on his anger. "Don't hit me, you dolt! Give that to me!"  
Yoru took Ann's weapon and went off in search of Marni. Ann got up soon after, shrieking all the way.

Two guests met in the Hall and exchanged weapons before parting, heading in opposite directions.

The conscious guests continued to move about the manor, all searching for Marni. The lights suddenly went out, as they randomly do.

One of the guests exchanged their weapon for the one Kendra had been subdued with, taking advantage of the dark.

"Don't you touch me!" Ken cried. Apparently there was more than one person taking advantage of the dark.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRNIIII!" Ann's shrieks reverberated throughout the manor.

The lights came back on then as suddenly as they'd turned off.

Nick wandered from the hall to the Conservatory, bored of this game. He leaned on the wall and fell into the secret passageway, which he followed into the lounge.  
"Daina, hi!" He greeted, finding Daina wandering in search of another weapon to add to her arsenal. "Look what I have!"  
"Excellent." She smiled as Nick produced the Knife.  
She walked up and pistol-whipped him, taking the Knife. Nick dropped to the floor, unconscious.

"MARNI!" Ann exclaimed, jumping into the Kitchen dramatically as she had in the Lounge. Sure enough,  
Marni was there, trying to hide behind a life-size statue of KD Lang. "Ooh, Marni! I've found you again!"  
She advanced on the owner of the manor but, when it came time for the killing to commence, realized that she hadn't a weapon. She laughed and scanned the room for something to use. Upon spying the Wrench near the still immobile Kendra she ran to grab it. Unlucky for her, when she turned around to finish the job Marni was already gone.  
"MAAAAAAAAAARNIIIII!" She cried, pushing the KD Lang statue to the ground before dashing out into the hall.  
"I bet you're in the Dining room!"

One of the male guests snuck through the secret passageway towards the Study. Another guest came from the opposite way and, upon meeting the other somewhere in the middle, engaged in a brawl. The victor dropped the weapon they had obtained at the starting of the Marni-killing fiasco of the day, picked up the other guest's only weapon and exited the secret passage.

Kendra, finally waking up from her unintentional rest in the Kitchen, awoke to see someone exit the room and walk down the hall. She decided to follow, but lost them and decided to search instead for the illusive humpback whale that was Marni. She walked through the secret passageway and, finding the Candlestick, she exited into the Study and ran down the Hall.

"Oh no, I lost my mustard yellow handkerchief." Yoru sighed upon seeing his empty breast pocket, wondering where it could be. "Hm..."

Daina wandered back into the lounge, fully frustrated at her inability to find Marni. She was about to sit down on a crate next to the resting Nick when she saw someone sneaking along in the hallway outside. She stood, hoping it was Marni, when something konked her on the head.  
"Don't take my weapon!" Her assailant yelled, grabbing up the Gun. "Oh, wait, this isn't my weapon. Sorry,  
Daina!"

Marni, having heard Ann's prediction, changed her course and headed for a different room. She sat in the corner, clutching a rubber duck in her hands protectively.  
"It's just you and me, little rubber duck." She whispered loudly. Just then, one of the guests came into the dimly lit room. Marni shook with fear. Even with her compromised intelligence Marni knew who it was;  
she had seen them exit this room earlier while thundering about. "Oho, duck, it looks like I'll be killed. Vive la France."  
The duck popped out of Marni's hand as the unknown guest quickly swooped over to the corner and took out their weapon.  
"Die, Marni!" The voice whispered before throwing the wrench to the ground and using the other weapon to dispose of Marni with.

WHO KILLED MARNI? WHERE? WITH WHAT?  



	4. Chapter 4

MURDER AT YATES MANOR

WRITTEN by KENNETH HAND

June 04, 2003

This is a parody of Clue, based on the Murder at Marnie Manor series which was written in 2000-1 by Kenneth Hand and Ashley Neilson. The characters are based on friends/acquaintances of KH and AN, but the story is nonetheless a bonafide Clue mystery which can be solved.

SUSPECTS:  
Ann White (female): The French maid Daina Peacock (female): The proper old lady Yoru Green (male): The business guy Mike Mustard (male): The military strategist Laurissa Scarlet (female): The golddigger Ken Plum (male): The professor

WEAPONS:  
Knife Revolver Rope Wrench Lead Pipe Candlestick

ROOMS:  
Hall Lounge Dining Room Kitchen Ball Room Conservatory Billiard Room Library Study

SECRET PASSAGES:  
Conservatory - Lounge Kitchen - Study

It was a dark and stormy night. Ashley Yates-Boddy (hereforth known as Yates)  
was playing with her crabs for a while before she went to bed, as usual.

It was a Friday, which meant her guests were over. Daina Peacock, Ken Plum, Yoru Green, Laurissa Scarlet, and Mike Mustard were all getting ready for bed, after a long day of sitting around doing nothing. Ann White was supposed to be pouring warm milk for each of the guests, but instead she was in the Lounge watching Jay Leno.

At about midnight, a guest crept downstairs. He was accustomed to having his milk and cookies before going to sleep, and couldn't fall into slumber without them. He was clutching the Wrench, his only weapon, as though someone might attack him at any moment.

Meanwhile, another guest had entered Yates's bedroom without knocking.

"What do YOU want?" Yates asked rudely. She hated being disturbed in the middle of crab-playing.

"My ceiling is leaking!" squealed the guest, who had the Rope under her nightgown and was going to strangle Yates with it if something wasn't done about the leak. "But all the other bedrooms are occupied."

"Ugghh!" Yates groaned. "The woes of owning a huge old house! I'll have to get you to sleep downstairs tonight, in the room of your choice."

"Downstairs?" the guest asked, horrified. She couldn't imagine sleeping on the billiard table or on one of the hard sofas in the Lounge.

"Yes," said Yates matter-of-factly. "I'll have Ann bring you in a cot."

"Don't worry about it," replied the guest. "I'll sleep on the sofa in the Library, in front of the warm fireplace."

And so she, too, made her way down the staircase, and into the Library, where she spent the remainder of the night asleep.

Ken, just then, was walking around the third floor of the house, restless and worried because he hadn't a weapon. Why did _he_ have to be the only one on the third floor? When Marnie was still alive, he had always been put on the second floor next to Yoru, and Kendra (who had mysteriously disappeared after Yates took over the manor) had had the third floor room. He stormed down to the second floor and into Yates's bedroom.

"What IS IT with people coming in while I'm playing with my crabs?" Yates demanded, and held up one of her awful hermit crabs for Ken to see. "Can't you see I'm busy!"

Ken was about to roll his eyes, but then checked himself, remembering his contact might pop out. "Listen, Yates, I can't sleep on that top floor. I'm all creeped out. I'll have to switch rooms."

"You're such a suck!" Yates said, and offered Ken a downstairs room as well, forgetting to mention that another guest had also wanted a downstairs room. Ken accepted, and said he would make his way to the Study to read a Latin book before he fell asleep. On his way out of Yates's room, he grabbed the Knife off her end table without her seeing.

Daina Peacock, still in her bedroom, was pondering which of her weapons would be better for killing Yates: the Lead Pipe or the Candlestick. She actually wanted to use the Revolver, so that she could blast Yates's little crabs as well, but she had seen a male guest pick it up from the Conservatory that afternoon. Eventually she decided on the Candlestick, and, taking both weapons with her, she headed to the Kitchen for a glass of whisky before she did the deed.

And of course, Yoru wasn't planning on spending the night in his bedroom. He heard the TV on in the Lounge, and, picking up his weapon on the way out - just in case - he headed downstairs.

In the Kitchen, Daina ran into another guest eating milk and cookies with his Wrench next to him on the Kitchen table. Not wanting to talk to him, Daina grabbed the whisky bottle from the Kitchen counter and took the secret passageway to the Study, where Ken had not yet arrived. The guest in the Kitchen was so caught up in eating his cookies, he didn't notice her.

On her way through the secret passageway between the Kitchen and the Study, Daina dropped one of her weapons without realizing it.

When Yoru arrived in the Lounge, Ann was snoring. Not wanting to wake her up or stick around to listen to her snoring, Yoru headed for the Billiard Room to watch the TV there. On the way to the Billiard Room, Yoru ran into Ken Plum, who was holding his pillow and blankets.

"Hey, Plumkin!" Yoru called, and cackled.

"Yoru, Mike wasn't in his room. Do you know where he is?" Ken asked.

"Uhh, what's his plan for the night?" Yoru asked.

Ken thought for a minute. "I can never remember his stupid daily plans," Ken replied. "He always tells them to me, but I never remember."

"Well then, I guess you're out of luck. But hey, I'm heading to the Billiard Room to watch TV. Wanna come?"

"Sure!" Ken said, and went with Yoru instead of heading to the Study.

Meanwhile, the guest in the Kitchen had finished his cookies, and swore he heard a noise in the six-foot freezer. Dramatically, as though he was still in the military, he swung open the door, to see an empty freezer.

"Hmm," he said, and rubbed his chin, as though he was actually thinking. Just then he noticed a big turkey in a shopping bag sitting on the counter. Supposing Ann had forgotten to put it away, he threw it in the freezer.

The back of the freezer swung open.

"Whoa!" he said. "This must be one of those secret passages, like in the old houses!" He entered, and the freezer door swung shut.

"Mommy!"

Just then, as usual, the lights went out.

Nobody bothered to scream. The guest in the passage didn't know the lights went out, because the passage wasn't lit. On his way through, however, he picked up a weapon that could be lit to help him, but he didn't have a match.

Since the lights were out, the TV also went off, and in the dark Ken and Yoru's weapons somehow got switched, and Yoru ended up leaving the room. He entered the Conservatory. Daina left the Study, and just then realized she only had one weapon. Cursing, she entered the Hall, where the front stairs were.

Yates too had left her room, and had come down to search for Ann to ask where she had put the candles. Yates missed Daina in the Hall by less than a minute.

The guest who had been trapped in the passageway came out in the Study and headed for the Dining Room, thinking that was the best plan.

Ann's snoring stopped. She got up and, realizing she hadn't a weapon, went to find one. She entered the Ball Room.

Just then, the lights came back on, and everyone saw that they were each alone in main-floor rooms.

Thinking Ann might be pouring the warm milk, Yates entered the Kitchen. Seeing it was empty, she took the secret passage to the Study and headed for another of the rooms whose spelling ends with a "y".

The guest in that room (Room x) tried to kill her with the Knife but did not succeed. Yates left Room x, and ran to the room which immediately comes before Room x on the list of rooms. The guest in this room was just leaving and did not notice Yates enter.

The lights went back off.

Yates stayed in the room and searched around for the phone. Unbeknownst to her, the only guest with one blunt weapon had entered the room and was coming toward her. Yates was struck dead.

Who killed Yates? Where? With what?  



	5. Chapter 5

SOLUTIONS

Mystery at Marni Manor # 1

Daina Peacock; with the Candlestick; in the Lounge.

Daina had the Knife from the start, since she picked it up in the Kitchen, then never got rid of it. We know she had the Candlestick, after she discovered Nick in the Library and killed him for it. She never traded this off either; which makes her the only guest with two weapons. Another way of solving it was realizing the fact that both Nick and Ann were unconscious; Yoru was immobile in the Ball Room; Ken was unconscious; and Kendra only had one weapon, the Rope.

The room deduction is simpler: the Lounge was the first room Marni had entered after leaving the Conservatory: via a secret passage.

Luckily for Marni, however, Daina had forgotten to blow the Candlestick out before trying to use it, and Daina burnt her hand, causing her to drop it and fall unconscious. Marni pushed her off just as the lights came back on, at which point Ann and Nick were found lying together, naked and unconscious, in the Conservatory.

Mystery at Marni Manor # 2

KEN in the BALL ROOM with the KNIFE

Probably the most difficult element of this mystery is the weapon that the murderer used. Ken is obviously the guest that's left, since during the struggle Yoru steals his weapon and he steals it back. The Ball Room is the scene of the crime. However, the weapon is sort of trickier to deduce.

We know that during the croquet game, Yoru steals a blunt weapon from Nick. We know Marni has the Candlestick, so it has to be either the Wrench or the Lead Pipe. No more clues about this weapon are dropped again until Nick ties Ann up and steals the Wrench from her. Ann had the Wrench, Marni had the Candlestick, therefore the weapon Yoru stole from Nick during the croquet game must have been the Lead Pipe.

Also during the croquet game, Kendra steals the Rope from Daina. Kendra still has the Rope when she faints in the Ball Room (no one ever steals it from her), so for the duration of the story it remains inactive. Meanwhile, Daina steals the Lead Pipe from Yoru during the movie, then Ken takes it from Daina when he locks her in the cellar.

When Ann and Marni are tied up in Ball Room, Nick has the Wrench (from Ann), the Candlestick (from Marni), and the Revolver (from himself). Kendra has the Rope in her purse. The Lead Pipe (from Yoru-  
Daina-Ken) at some point falls under the grand piano. The only weapon left is the Knife, which Ken has from the start.

Fortunately for Marni, Ken trips over Nick's body on his way over to her (because he can't see) and falls unconscious. Marni faints just because. The next morning, everyone wakes up, and does not remember what happened the night before, but they all have huge headaches.

Mystery at Marni Manor # 3

YORU with the ROPE in the BALL ROOM

Mystery at Yates Manor # 4

DAINA, in the BALL ROOM, with the LEAD PIPE.

Daina is the only one with just one blunt weapon. Mike has the Wrench and Candlestick. The other weapons are as follows: Ann, none; Ken, Gun; Yoru, Knife; Laurissa, Rope. 


End file.
